Unexplainable

Thursday, February 9th, 2012

I had an experience tonight (2/8/12) that was bewildering and mysterious.  I believe my heart may have seen the face of God in a way that I’ve never known, and it was more wonderful than my face knew how to bear.  Skeptical?  Curious?  Indifferent?  If it didn’t happen to me, I’d feel one of those emotions too.

Since Monday (2/6/12), I’ve been participating in the Academy of Spiritual Formation at Mt. Angel Abbey in Mt. Angel, Oregon.  It’s one week of four spread out over 18 months designed to help me and 23 other NW pastors learn to seek God in the depths of our souls so that we can lead our churches to do the same.  We’re uncovering the importance of of all temperaments being conformed to the image of Christ through a variety of sacred pathways for the sake of others.

Tonight at the end of our final session for the day, we closed with a moment of silence before God.  I have no awareness as to how long that “moment” was.  It was probably only a couple of minutes, but it felt as though time was not a reality in which I existed.  As I sat in a chair, with my elbows on a table, and my hands spontaneously changing locations from my face, to my head, to the air…a growing intense pressure moved into my eyes and tears began streaming down my face.  I don’t know why, and I can’t explain what I felt as it happened.  I didn’t feel sad, or angry, or distraught, or weary, or any of the emotions we’ve learned to associate with this type of intimate movement in a person’s life.  I don’t know how to tell you what was happening in me or why it was happening, but it was very real…and incomprehensible.  There were old habits and thoughts–we’ll call them voices–trying to deteriorate the moment, and it was everything I could do to fight them off.  “Are other people having this experience?  Is someone else sniffling?  Is anyone watching?  Can I chronicle this and teach it to others?  Is something wrong with me?”

” S H U T  U P !    S T O P ! ”

It took every bit of whatever I had in me to push back those…voices.  “I don’t want anything to taint this…God I believe you’re here with me…whatever you’re doing…even if I never understand it…please continue…I submit to you…and I WILL hold these voices back.”  Tears continued to move down my unshaven skin and on to my session notes.  I didn’t want anything to hinder this unidentifiable flow of emotion.

After the moderator officially ended our silence and gave us necessary announcements for tomorrow’s itinerary, I asked the presenter of our session, “what happened to me?”  He recalled that the ancient mystics and spiritual fathers (Augustine, Ignatius, St Francis, etc.) spoke of rare instances where God chooses to reveal His grace to an individual in an indescribable way.  He hesitantly suggested that maybe that’s what I experienced.  I’ve got nothing else to go on, so I’m hesitantly accepting his suggestion.

In Deuteronomy, Moses recounted for the Israelites when they rightly proclaimed that God’s presence was too wonderful for them.  In 1st Kings, Elijah experienced “the presence of the LORD” in a whisper.  In Isaiah, the prophet declared “Woe to me!” in the presence of God’s glory, and the Apostle Paul wrote about the Holy Spirit groaning on our behalf when we don’t know what to pray.  I’m unclear as to how I can discern if my encounter with God is similar or not to any of these references, but I’m peacefully content just thinking of it as a mystery.  If it never happens again, I will count myself privileged to have gone through this unfamiliar and holy experience.  I will continue striving to revere God as the holy, good, and wild God who saved my life into His Kingdom by the sacrifice of our Savior Jesus Christ, and who continues to graciously and mercifully reveal his glory to me in indescribable ways.

My Heavenly Father, your wonder is perplexing to this fragile man, but I’m thankful for the small glimpse you gave me tonight.  May your Holy Spirit continue to guide me as I follow your Son…Amen.

~Brian Kilde

Humiliated for God’s Word

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

Read Isaiah 20 with me (it’s only 6 verses):

“¹In the year that the supreme commander, sent by Sargon king of Assyria, came to Ashdod and attacked and captured it— ²at that time the LORD spoke through Isaiah son of Amoz. He said to him, “Take off the sackcloth from your body and the sandals from your feet.” And he did so, going around stripped and barefoot.

 ³ Then the LORD said, “Just as my servant Isaiah has gone stripped and barefoot for three years, as a sign and portent against Egypt and Cush,^{[a] 4} so the king of Assyria will lead away stripped and barefoot the Egyptian captives and Cushite exiles, young and old, with buttocks bared—to Egypt’s shame. ⁵ Those who trusted in Cush and boasted in Egypt will be dismayed and put to shame. ⁶ In that day the people who live on this coast will say, ‘See what has happened to those we relied on, those we fled to for help and deliverance from the king of Assyria! How then can we escape?’”

My NIV Study Bible says, “After Assyria conquered the northern kingdom of Israel in 722-721 B.C., King Hezekiah of Judah was under great pressure to make an alliance with Egypt.  Isaiah urgently warned against such a policy.”  He believed that all of Judah needed to trust in God for providence and salvation–not in another nation of sinful humans with a corrupt government and a weak army that would be utterly defeated anyway.

Isaiah believed in God’s Word for Judah so strongly he became a live-action prophecy to his own shame and humiliation.  Consider the risk:  What happens to people who act like this today?  Don’t we deem them to be crazy?  Don’t we call the cops and hope those people get the appropriate “help” that will reintegrate them back into main stream society behaving with a sense of propriety?  There’s a high chance people would have responded in in a similar way back then.  Don’t forget! This wasn’t a one-time occurrence; Isaiah lived that way for 3 YEARS!

I don’t know that God is calling us to “take off our clothes for Jesus” in today’s world, but what would happen if Christians were more open and honest about their sin and weaknesses so that others could see how God’s grace is redeeming them?  What if we took off the masks of dignity and propriety?  What if we stopped trying to show how great we are and started letting people see how great God is in us?  There’s a risk isn’t there?  What if people shun us in the same way they’d shun a naked man walking down the street?  What if people ostracize us or try to fix us with all of their well-intentioned programs and self-help fix-its without ever joining us in bringing our hurts and our needs to God?  What if they fail to see God at all and only see a mess?

There’s one person…a Savior…who knows exactly how that feels.  He cried out the same fear in the Garden of Gethsemane.  Then he bore our shame on a cross as people looked upon a bloodied mess whom they judged to be cursed by God.  The only reason God calls His people to be humiliated and vulnerable for others to see His grace and truth–is that He willingly did that for us.

“God, I acknowledge my unwillingness to cast aside all dignity so that the world can see your truth in my bare, naked, and vulnerable soul. I commit to following you and trusting you as you call me to follow you. Holy Spirit fill me with courage as I do so. Thank you for letting me participate in the advancement of your great kingdom as you work your grace into the depths of my life.  Amen!”

~Brian Kilde

Christmas Thoughts – Welcoming Jesus

Sunday, December 18th, 2011

Welcoming Jesus –  Have you ever gone to someone’s house and not felt welcomed?  They invited you (at least you were invited on Facebook) and when you arrived they acted like they weren’t expecting you, or at least it sure felt that way.  The TV was kept on and quite loudly. They didn’t take your coat.  You were left just standing there in the foyer.  No one said, “so glad you could come” or “come on in and make yourself at home.”  There were no instructions as to where you were to go – kitchen? family room? living room?  It was just not welcoming at all.

Maybe they were distracted with all the preparations.  Maybe there was some family conflict.  Maybe just the craziness of life.  Certainly they weren’t being intentionally unwelcoming.  Maybe they had good intentions when they invited you, but your arrival was a shock.  They forgot, or hoped you forgot –  but there you were and now they have to think fast.

Christmas!  Jesus birthday.  Celebrating the Savior of the world.  Remembering the King of kings and the Lord of lords.  Worshiping the One who has been given all authority in heaven and in earth…and we forget.

Oh we remembered the gifts and cookies and decorations and ….  But these were all for us, our family, and our friends.  Not for Jesus. Oh, how could we forget Him?  How could we forget Jesus?

Did you see him standing there by the front door?  His coat was still on, his eyes were wandering and wondering what was going on?  He thought he was coming to his birthday party.  And he’s hardly noticed at all.

Welcoming Jesus – Take the time, give yourself the space to welcome Jesus.  I think about the Inn keepers.  They missed Jesus.  Not that they were doing anything wrong – no guilt trip please.  I wonder if they ever knew what they missed.  It’s not that what we are doing is wrong – yet, somehow it’s wrong to leave the guest of honor standing there in the foyer.

What I’m trying to do this season (and encouraging you to do) is to make space for Jesus in the hustle and bustle of the holidays.  What if you escaped to your room and read the story, or wrote Jesus a Christmas card, or sang a Christmas carol to Jesus?  What if you gave an orphan food and schooling for a year in Jesus name?  What if you provided clean water to a village in some developing country because Jesus has given you the water of Life?

Sometimes Christmas day is so anti-climatic for me.  The huge buildup…the preparation – Christmas day sometimes is an emotional let down – the crash.  This year I’m hoping to make the party about Him, not me.

May it truly be a Merry Christmas!!!  May Jesus know he is welcomed and loved and worshiped.  May He have a Merry Christmas too!!

~Tim Saur

A Christmas-type blog entry

Monday, December 12th, 2011

Whenever I daydream about topics, life issues, and fun/meaningful things, I think my mind often looks like a bulletin board with many flyers.  Some of the flyers are vaguely connected to each other and others are totally random.  My thoughts on Christmas this year have been a bit like that.  In this blog I’ll share some of the flyers (thoughts) that are on the Christmas bulletin board in my mind.

• MONKEY.  I often reflect on what I believe was the first Christmas my sister and I spent with my mom after she and my dad split up.  I was around 4 1/2  years old, and my sister was probably almost 2.  My mom was downstairs wrapping Christmas presents, so my sister and I decided to see if we could sneak a peek without my mom knowing.  When we poked our little heads around the corner, we saw wrapping paper everywhere with a stuffed Curious George monkey and a stuffed elephant.  I quickly and quietly brought my sister back upstairs and said, “That monkey is mine!”  Apparently I thought that even if my sister unwrapped it, I could commandeer the monkey out of her hands right in front of my mom.  Fortunately, Curious George was actually a gift for me, and I still have him to this day.
• BELIEF.  I remember when I found out that neither the Christmas tree nor the day (after clicking on the link, scroll down to Saturnalia) on which we celebrate Christ’s birth have their origins in Christ-centered celebrations.  That’s when many of my popular notions of Jesus and my faith in Him were beginning to unravel. I was devastated.  I feel kind of silly when I think about it now.  However, God used something to reveal His grace to me in the midst of my bewilderment.  You see the early church would often adopt old religious practices of new converts in order to help following Christ feel familiar to them–to give them a sense of belonging.  Whether or not that specific method is a good biblical practice, knowing that fact inspired me to ponder other ways that God uses what people know in order to teach them the valuable truths they don’t know.  I’m thankful for how God’s gift of grace sustained me in the midst of my disheartened time.
• LIGHTS.  I think lights on houses are cool.  I don’t know why everyone doesn’t at least try to put some lights up every year.  Yes, it is a lot of work, but doesn’t it look beautiful?  Isn’t it worth the effort?  I have to admit though that I didn’t have the energy this year to cover my house with lights.  Getting on the roof just sounded too exhausting.  I’ve got two neighbors who also like to put up lights, so I did my my gutters, my garage, and my yard to match them.  I think that next year I’ll be back in full form!
• X-MAS.  There was a time when people made a big issue in regards to writing the abbreviation X-mas instead of writing the full word Christmas.  A slogan like “Let’s put Christ back into Christmas,” and other variations like it started floating around.  It made sense to me, so I gave myself permission to entertain spiteful thoughts every time I saw that abominable abbreviation.  Then I learned in Bible school that the English letter X is also the first letter in the Greek term for Christ.  Scholars often used the abbreviation X in place of Christ in their hand-written notes years before the notation ever became popular.  After a small moment of feeling quite sheepish, I gave myself permission to use the term in my own notes and began entertaining condescending thoughts towards others who judged the abbreviation as dishonorable.  As I reflect upon this flyer, I’m reminded of my propensity to quickly and arrogantly judge others regardless of how much/little I know in any given set of circumstances.  Then I thank the Almighty-Creator God that Jesus humbly rested in a feeding trough as a human baby in a cave born to unwed parents.  Meditating on that good news dissipates arrogance and judgment every time, which prepares the way for grace and forgiveness…every time.

I’ve got a few more flyers pinned to the Christmas bulletin board in my brain, but I’ll stop there.  Merry Christmas!

~Brian Kilde

Windows into Brian’s prayer life

Monday, November 7th, 2011

There’s nothing that’s particularly mind-blowingly profound here.  I’m just trying to be open with how God is working in me, so here are a few recent entries I made into my prayer journal.  May God use these fragmented and out-of-context prayers to draw you closer to Him.

~ Brian Kilde

Reflections on my time in Kosovo – October 2011

Monday, October 31st, 2011

I joined a team from Mosaic Portland for a missions trip to Gjilan Kosovo (for photos of our trip click here).

We left Portland on Friday morning, Sept 31, and returned on Monday evening, 10/10.  The purpose of the trip was to aid the Metro & Alliance partners working there.  They requested an art team to work with students and artists in Gjilan.  We had three artists on the team of eight, and they held workshops for students and professional artists during the week.

Our partners in Gjilan use a building called the Ringjallja (Resurrection) Center to interface with the people of Gjilan.  It houses a coffee and photocopy shop, class rooms for English classes, and rooms for the church to disciple and hold meetings.  On Friday we hosted a display from local artists and students.  This art show was a great success; we had dozens of people attend.

The non-artists (this included me) did ethnographic interviews, which is a fancy way of saying that we interviewed artists regarding the culture of art in Kosovo.  The hope was that our interviews might give deeper insights to our partners.  My ethnographic team (Dana, a twenty something from Mosaic, a local interpreter, and myself) interviewed six artists.

My personal take-away from the interviews was the power of teachers and mentors in people’s lives.  The pattern we heard in most interviews reminded me of Jesus’ instructions to his disciples, “I’ve taught you, now you teach others what I’ve taught you.”  In Gjilan the current art teachers generally point back to the same group of older teachers who had discipled them.  Now the present-day teachers are teaching art in the schools and in private lessons.  Many of them believe that this passing on of artistic skill and knowledge is what made Gjilan the cultural center of Kosovo.  For me this is a picture of the power of Discipleship – I’m once again challenged to be a discipler as Jesus commanded.

Visiting the English classes is where I had the most enjoyable interactions.  Teaching English is what our own Carrie Dyk is doing there.  Carrie is an amazing teacher, and she loves her students.  I was very impressed with her (I was also impressed with Katie from our East Park Church).  In these classes we had the opportunity to sit with students and speak in English with them through role playing (e.g. one of us was a travel agent and the other three at our table were asking questions about potential vacations).  Laughter filled the class room as we stumbled along attempting to communicate in English–so much fun!

After the class, I got to see Carrie’s heart for her students;  she thanked us for loving on them.  Also, a couple of guys from the class asked me to have coffee with them the next day (coffee is an important part of the culture in Gjilan; coffee shops are everywhere).  Tim Osborne from Mosaic and I met with them the next evening.  We had an enjoyable time learning about them and Kosovo.  In a card to me from Carrie, she wrote: “I can’t thank you enough for going to coffee with my students; that was an amazing gift to me.”  This is another view into Carries’ love for those she teaches.

After Tim Osborn and I shared the talk time at church on Sunday evening, we had dinner which was followed by visiting, playing games, and napping until we headed for the airport at 2:30 in the morning.  We traveled for 27 hours until we got home Monday evening – most of us were up for 45 hours!  No wonder it’s taken me 5 days to clear my head, and still my mind is mushier than normal.

This experience benefited me in leading Compass as we continue to support our partners in Gjilan, Kosovo.  My hope is for a joint art mission trip to Gjilan in the future.  We have artists; Mosaic has artists; East Park has artists.  I am excited about what God has next for us in this partnership.

~Tim Saur

To read the updates Tim posted during his trip, click here, here, and here.