Reflections on my time in Kosovo – October 2011

Monday, October 31st, 2011

I joined a team from Mosaic Portland for a missions trip to Gjilan Kosovo (for photos of our trip click here).

We left Portland on Friday morning, Sept 31, and returned on Monday evening, 10/10.  The purpose of the trip was to aid the Metro & Alliance partners working there.  They requested an art team to work with students and artists in Gjilan.  We had three artists on the team of eight, and they held workshops for students and professional artists during the week.

Our partners in Gjilan use a building called the Ringjallja (Resurrection) Center to interface with the people of Gjilan.  It houses a coffee and photocopy shop, class rooms for English classes, and rooms for the church to disciple and hold meetings.  On Friday we hosted a display from local artists and students.  This art show was a great success; we had dozens of people attend.

The non-artists (this included me) did ethnographic interviews, which is a fancy way of saying that we interviewed artists regarding the culture of art in Kosovo.  The hope was that our interviews might give deeper insights to our partners.  My ethnographic team (Dana, a twenty something from Mosaic, a local interpreter, and myself) interviewed six artists.

My personal take-away from the interviews was the power of teachers and mentors in people’s lives.  The pattern we heard in most interviews reminded me of Jesus’ instructions to his disciples, “I’ve taught you, now you teach others what I’ve taught you.”  In Gjilan the current art teachers generally point back to the same group of older teachers who had discipled them.  Now the present-day teachers are teaching art in the schools and in private lessons.  Many of them believe that this passing on of artistic skill and knowledge is what made Gjilan the cultural center of Kosovo.  For me this is a picture of the power of Discipleship – I’m once again challenged to be a discipler as Jesus commanded.

Visiting the English classes is where I had the most enjoyable interactions.  Teaching English is what our own Carrie Dyk is doing there.  Carrie is an amazing teacher, and she loves her students.  I was very impressed with her (I was also impressed with Katie from our East Park Church).  In these classes we had the opportunity to sit with students and speak in English with them through role playing (e.g. one of us was a travel agent and the other three at our table were asking questions about potential vacations).  Laughter filled the class room as we stumbled along attempting to communicate in English–so much fun!

After the class, I got to see Carrie’s heart for her students;  she thanked us for loving on them.  Also, a couple of guys from the class asked me to have coffee with them the next day (coffee is an important part of the culture in Gjilan; coffee shops are everywhere).  Tim Osborne from Mosaic and I met with them the next evening.  We had an enjoyable time learning about them and Kosovo.  In a card to me from Carrie, she wrote: “I can’t thank you enough for going to coffee with my students; that was an amazing gift to me.”  This is another view into Carries’ love for those she teaches.

After Tim Osborn and I shared the talk time at church on Sunday evening, we had dinner which was followed by visiting, playing games, and napping until we headed for the airport at 2:30 in the morning.  We traveled for 27 hours until we got home Monday evening – most of us were up for 45 hours!  No wonder it’s taken me 5 days to clear my head, and still my mind is mushier than normal.

This experience benefited me in leading Compass as we continue to support our partners in Gjilan, Kosovo.  My hope is for a joint art mission trip to Gjilan in the future.  We have artists; Mosaic has artists; East Park has artists.  I am excited about what God has next for us in this partnership.

~Tim Saur

To read the updates Tim posted during his trip, click here, here, and here.

Comfortably Numb…and not loving it!

Wednesday, October 12th, 2011

Ever feel like you’re stuck in a rut where you keep doing things that don’t contribute to your overall health? (Physical, spiritual, relational, emotional, etc..)

Or maybe its this nagging feeling in your life that there’s something you’ve been neglecting to do that  you just can’t seem to get around to doing?
Maybe it’s feeling the mindless pull to your T.V., Facebook, Craiglist, etc… each night when you know deep down there’s something else that would actually add value to your life like…

• Finishing that book you’ve wanted to read for a while. (The one you’ve renewed two or three times at the library saying, “I can’t return it, I’m gonna get around to it soon.” theoretically speaking and all.)

• Sharing your day’s highs and lows with your spouse or roommate. (Instead you’re in the living room on your computer, and they’re in their room watching TV…)

• Calling that friend you’ve thought about for weeks–curious to know how they’re really doing.

• Talking a walk to process your day.

What thing(s) distracts you, sucks time from you, or creates a feeling of (in the words of Pink Floyd) being comfortably numb–not engaging life as it truly is in front of you?  What habits or rhythms do you wish were a “normal” or regular part of your life?

I’m a firm believer in the classic statement that says, “Ignorance is bliss.”  Many times I wish I could get back to being blissfully unaware of areas of my life that I’d rather not acknowledge as “in need of attention.”  The visual for myself is that of sleeping through the morning alarm clock which is designed to get me out the door to exercise.  As long as I don’t think about it, its not that big of a deal, right?  The same is true when I push the snooze button on the silent alarms God is using to try to care for my soul.

Here’s one of God’s custom alarm ringtones for me, “Paul, Stop! Sit still, would ya!? Let me sit with you to tell you how much I deeply care about you.  That way you won’t be deceived into thinking this noise is helping you relax or unwind.”

Here’s another one that I don’t like the sound of, “Paul, what are you distracting yourself from dealing with?  Is this who I made you to be?”

Sadly, I’m learning that these silent alarms are crucial…to which I need to listen and respond. This past year I have felt the volume on these once quiet alarms continually increase to an annoyingly loud level, which is creating discontentment in my own soul. The disconnection between who I want to be and the habits/rhythms of life I actually have in place is often depressing.

Starting last Sunday my wife, Rebekah, and I decided to start an experiment on ourselves. What would we experience (both individually and together) if we responded to this yearning in our own souls for rest, quiet, and conversation with each other and God in a drastic way? What if we didn’t watch TV at all for a month? What types of conversations would happen?  What kind of restful moments would we experience?  What needed tasks would get done around the house? Can I actually follow through for the whole month? Will I try and substitute TV with other mind numbing activities? How will we respond? We’ve both sensed that we need to try this during a time when it would cost us the most ( i.e.- new fall TV show line up).

To be honest, in just one week of being “TV free” we’ve observed many great moments that have been refreshing, yet stretching at times.  Here’s just a couple:

• We’ve talked for 2 hrs straight on more than one occasion about our day.  Both of us felt heard and cared for by the other.

• Rather than trying to squeeze in nightly “chores” around our TV schedule, we’ve actually did needed things around the house together and reconnected in the process.

• We’re finding that there’s times to plan our days and make decisions on a number of things we’ve been “to busy” to decide on for months.

• I’ve been able to think about and pray for those people who come into my mind during the day that I haven’t connected with in awhile.

• I’ve spent time sitting quietly with nothing to do and have fallen into a least two naps.

A couple caveats as this point for clarification

• We’re not forcing our kids into this as much as modeling it for them. Bradley was pretty shocked when I told him.  “Really Dad? NO TV!? Why are you doing that?” Great point of conversation with my 5 yr old.
• We’re giving ourselves the freedom to watch a movie together during the week.
• We’re only committed to a 30 day period.  We’ll re-evaluate what a healthy intake could look like at the end.

I’m not sure exactly how radical this sounds to you as you read.  For us it has been an eye opener, and it’s the beginning of more opportunities to cut out the extra noise of the world that is constantly trying to numb our lives. As a father with two kids under 6 yrs old, being continually numb is probably one of the worst feelings I could experience.

To answer my own questions above about what habits or rhythms I desire to put into place instead of being zonked regularly are…

• Daily time to be silent in God’s presence for at least 15 minutes in the evening. What am I feeling, what can I celebrate, what do I hear God saying to me today?
• Daily time to be present with my wife and kids- What words of encouragement and love can I speak to them, what kind of attention do they need from me? What do I need from them?
• Daily responsibilities to help me grow up – What can I do to contribute to the stability and needed tasks that make our house a home? I could write a whole other entry on the struggle of this one itself
•  Is there a neighbor or someone near by I can be available to for a few minutes- Does my neighbor need help moving something, need to borrow something or just need to talk? Is there something I need from them?

These are a few things I hope to more regularly put into place with God’s indwelling help in me.  I’m not trying to make God love me more.  I don’t believe that God has a chore chart in the sky or that I need to  impress him to get his love and attention. My hope, rather, is to connect with a more fuller picture of the the abundant life for which I believe God came to live and die on my behalf (John 10:10).  It’s been said that one of the greatest schemes of the devil is to make people believe that the living God is in fact dead–that Jesus’ death and resurrection has no practical everyday power. The reality I’m experiencing is that the very God who created me, saved me, and is indwelling himself in me has power to lead me out of a mundane life of numbness and avoidance. Can I get all of that from avoiding TV for a week? I’m starting to experience and practice what’s only been theory in the past.  As true as it is to say, “Ignorance is bliss,” it’s as equally true to say, “Yes, but oh so costly.”

Peace to you in your process of discovery.

Paul

Loving God

Thursday, September 1st, 2011

Impressed with Jesus’ example

Friday, August 19th, 2011

Have you ever felt misunderstood? Have you ever felt the need to quickly come to your own defense because someone else’s limited perspective of your life didn’t quite capture everything you believed to be true?  For example:  someone honked at you even though you knew you had the right of way, a family member made a presumptuous comment to you or about you during a holiday meal, your spouse joked about something prematurely and left you feeling unvalidated, a person at work/school mistook something you said and became angry with you, or your parent enacted consequences upon you without fully investigating all of the details.  Our relationships with others are broken because of examples like these.

In my last entry, I shared how situations like the ones depicted above eventually influenced me to live as if being understood is more important than anything else.  What I mean is that I often let striving for people to understand me take precedence over the topic of conversation, listening to others, or extending kindness.  As long as I think that the people in my life (loved ones, acquaintances, or strangers) understand me, I feel good about myself.  If I perceive that anyone misunderstands me however, it greatly impacts my emotional well-being.  I become angry, hurt, defensive, and insecure as a result.  This of course often causes me to be unaware of how unkind I am with my tone of voice and facial expressions while I’m in conflict.  As I reflect upon how I’ve lived my life striving to be understood, I’m greatly impressed with Jesus’ example.  In this blog entry, I’ll work through two narratives from the Gospel of Luke to illustrate what I mean.

LUKE 2:41-52

While  Joseph and Mary were traveling in a caravan back to Nazareth after the Feast of Passover, Jesus (at 12 years of age) was left behind in Jerusalem.  It was common for parents to entrust their older children to other adults in the caravan while they looked more closely after their younger children.  Although their were many benefits to this way of traveling long distances, you can see how easy it was to leave a child behind who’d be considered near adulthood in that culture anyway.

After realizing that Jesus wasn’t with them, Joseph and Mary went back to Jerusalem to look for him.  In verse 46 we read, “they found him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions.  Everyone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers. When his parents saw him, they were astonished. His mother said to him, ‘Son, why have you treated us like this? Your father and I have been anxiously searching for you.‘”  Is Mary and Joseph’s question to Jesus justified?  Probably, but let’s look at this through the lens of a child that is about to embark on a journey towards adulthood.  Do children ever have moments where they feel affirmed and understood by other people in their lives more than they do by their own parents?  If you’re an adult, can you remember what that feels like?  Based upon what we read in Luke 2, do you think that maybe Jesus knows what that feels like?

If you’re familiar with the gospels at all, then you know that Jesus’ response in verse 49 is classic, “Why were you searching for me?” he asked. “Didn’t you know I had to be in my Father’s house?“  Even as a young boy, Jesus was living on a spiritual plane that was above everyone else.  From Jesus’ perspective, he was absolutely living as an obedient Son to his Heavenly Father, but his earthly parents didn’t understand that.  In fact, that is exactly what verse 50 says, “they did not understand what he was saying to them.“ How many of us when we were children would characterize our parents with the exact same words?

Verse 51 is what convicts me to my very core, “Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.“  W H A T ? ? ? ?  Jesus didn’t get defensive?  He didn’t MAKE them understand him?  He didn’t re-explain and RE-EXPLAIN until they got his point and conceded that it was okay for him to be where he was?  W H Y ? ? ? ?  Jesus was so grounded in his identity as God’s Son and in God understanding him that caring for his parents with obedience was more important to him than being understood by them.  I have served the idol of understanding for so long that ironically I don’t “understand” Jesus’ actions, yet because of the way he lived I see how much I need to smash the idol in my life and trust Jesus with my whole being.  I may not always understand him, but he clearly understands me.  For that, I give him my life.

This story from Jesus’ childhood inspires me to do three things:  1) confess to God every way that I’ve ever desired to be understood more than I’ve desired Him, 2) take the time to really understand my kids and where they’re coming from, and 3) disciple them in how to ground their identity in their Heavenly Father more than in me (as I learn how to do this myself).  I don’t innately know how to do some of these, but those are the spiritual goals for which I am striving.

LUKE 4:16-30

This is where Jesus enters the synagogue (the Jewish worship assembly) in Nazareth.  He opened up the Isaiah scroll to 61:1-2, read it, and said in Luke 4:21, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.“  Astounded by his teaching and authority we read in verse 22 that “All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips.  ‘Isn’t this Joseph’s son?’ they asked.“  This is the kind of stuff I want everyone to think about me!  If I were Jesus, I would have stopped talking right there.  I would have sat down and not said another word so that the worship assembly could end with everyone thinking great and encouraging thoughts…about me.  That however, is not what Jesus did.  It was as if he said to himself, “You think I’m amazing, huh?  Well let’s see if you still think so after I pour truth down your throat like a skin of hot oil!”

In verse 25 Jesus said, “I assure you that there were many widows in Israel in Elijah’s time, when the sky was shut for three and a half years and there was a severe famine throughout the land. Yet Elijah was not sent to any of them, but to a widow in Zarephath in the region of Sidon. And there were many in Israel with leprosy in the time of Elisha the prophet, yet not one of them was cleansed—only Naaman the Syrian.”  All the people in the synagogue were furious when they heard this.“  Why were they angry all of sudden?  How did they go from amazed to angry?  Although they rightfully think of themselves as God’s chosen because of many OT scriptures, Jesus was saying that God’s heart is also for all of the lost non-Jewish people–the Gentiles.  In fact God’s heart breaks for all of humanity to such a degree that the Messiah will often pursue all of the lost Gentiles more than His chosen people.*  They were angry because THEY UNDERSTOOD EXACTLY what Jesus was saying.  The thought of God pursuing anyone (like authoritarian Roman rulers) more than the Israelites was outrageous to the people hearing Jesus’ words.  It made them as angry as Jonah when God sent him as a prophet to the atrocious Ninevites.  They were as angry as many of us probably were when we found out that Jesus commands us to forgive our enemies.  In verse 29 we read that they were so angry, “They got up, drove him out of the town, and took him to the brow of the hill on which the town was built, in order to throw him off the cliff.”

The synagogue was keenly aware of Jesus’ meaning, and they attempted to kill him for it.  The concept of “Understanding” did not save Jesus that day, neither will it ever save us.  It’s okay to seek understanding and clarification, and it actually cares for the people around us when we help them understand our thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.   However, trusting in understanding to the degree that we reach an unstable amount of anger and insecurity whenever we feel misunderstood, will always devastate us not rescue us.  It will destroy our relationships and the credibility we desire.  It will not save us.

My favorite part of this story is in verse 30, “But he walked right through the crowd and went on his way.“  This is why we worship Jesus!  It didn’t matter that the synagogue understood or misunderstood Jesus to the point of desiring his death…He miraculously stayed alive.  It doesn’t matter that the religious leaders eventually crucified Jesus just as they wanted…He miraculously came back to life.  Therefore it doesn’t matter how much the idol of understanding is killing us and our relationships…Jesus can miraculously bring US back to life and restore our relationships with the same grace, compassion, and forgiveness he bestows upon us.

Thank you Jesus for being our Savior for we are desperately lost!

What would it look like to trust God every time we feel misunderstood?  Is it sharing our frustrations with God first before we say anything to anyone else?  Is it choosing to value kind words and actions while we clarify our intentions instead of choosing to create understanding at all costs?  What do you think?  I welcome your thoughts and comments…even if they’re not great and encouraging thoughts about me  =^)

*Here’s a tangent idea to ponder.  Is the point Jesus made to the synagogue in vv. 25-27 a truth that all of us long-time church-going Christians should prayerfully contemplate as we consider God’s interaction with us and all of the people we know who don’t “go to church”?

Kilde’s First Blog Entry

Thursday, June 23rd, 2011

Well…this is new for me.  This will be my first blog entry EVER!  In the past (and with Jeremy Ross’ help, the guy I think of as the Internet Extraordinaire), I’ve organized people to participate in some short term blogs (The Good Samaritan Project, Lent Devotionals), but I’ve never regularly shared my thoughts in a blog.  I’m kind of excited and a bit nervous.  What do people actually want to read?  What would be interesting, helpful, or appropriate in this particular blog?  How often should I blog?  These are all questions rolling around in my distracted mind.  In the past, Facebook has been the place I’ve spiritually or personally spewed out many of my ponderings–knowing all the while that wasn’t the best place to do that.  However, when you don’t have an intentional outlet, things about who you are just come out wherever they can.  So I feel a bit nervous, but I actually feel much more excited.  I like the idea of finally having a space where I can publicly share about my relationship with God, including:

• what He’s stirring in me,
• how He’s holding me accountable,
• what He wants to address in my life,
• how He’s consoling me,
• how He’s bringing me joy,
• and how He influences every aspect of my life and the world around me.

My hope is that as I share in this space, it will be something the Holy Spirit uses in my life and in the lives of others in whatever way He knows is best.  So how about I start with a recent discovery…

In the last few months, I’ve come to recognize that the concept of “understanding” has plagued my life for most of my existence.  What I mean is that I have lived my life striving for people to understand me.  This is not to be confused with acceptance, although it may be minutely linked.  Acceptance and approval is important to me but not as much as understanding.  You may not like me, but I’ll be okay with that as long as I sense that you understand me (this is usually where each of my close friends with whom I’ve shared this recent soulful discovery says in the name of humor, “I don’t understand”).  What I desire above all else is for everyone I know to understand what I mean, what I’m doing, and what I’m about.  If I’m a part of something (like a church), then I want people to understand that too.  I want people to perceive my good intentions and believe in the importance of why I’m doing or saying something, just as much as I believe in why I’m doing or saying something.  I get anxious, nervous, and insecure on the front end as I prepare,  and I get angry, apathetic, and even hateful on the back end when I assess that people are still in a state of confusion or misunderstanding despite all of my efforts.  Not only is this hurtful to the people around me, but my soul is greatly fatigued by the constant oscillation of emotion from bearing the burden of understanding that is not even mine to carry.  There’s many reasons why this is completely unhealthy, but the biggest reason is that my desire for others to understand me trumps my desire for God.  I’ve put more of my trust in causing others to understand me than I have put my trust in a Savior redeeming me…and…it’s…wearing…me…out.

Through the help of a spiritual director, I’m finally ready to let God deal with this tiring issue in my life because [in case it's not clear] it’s killing me!  The weariness and defensiveness it causes in many of my relationships is quite unhelpful to say the least.  I need the death and resurrection of Someone who can save me.  Therefore my prayer in the last few weeks has sounded like this, “God, I commit to trusting that you will bring about your grace, your love, and your will regardless of what I think others understand or misunderstand about me, what I’m saying, what I’m doing, or what I’m a part of, but I confess that I have no idea what that commitment looks like.  Holy Spirit, please guide me.  Jesus, please save me.”

I welcome your thoughts and comments on this issue.  Can anyone else relate?  Or do you have a different desire that takes precedence over your desire for God?